Who to call, and when.
A resource for showing up for someone who is struggling: what to say when you do not know what to say, and where to point them when it is bigger than you.
We put it together for YWA Speaks, an evening on trauma-informed care with Giselle Reinhardt Gillis, LMSW, Program Director at Magdalene House of Austin.
Scanning this in the room tonight? Take three minutes with the three questions further down the page. Your answers never leave your phone.
Found this later, or did someone send it to you? Everything here works on its own. Save it now while it is easy, so it is already in your pocket on the day you need it, or the day someone tells you something hard and you want to do right by them.
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Start here
The first instinct is usually to disappear.
When something hard happens, most of us go quiet. We cancel the plans, stop answering the texts, and tell ourselves we will come back around once we have it handled. It is a common instinct, and it tends to make the hard thing heavier to carry.
The way back is rarely one big conversation. It is staying in contact with people: a friend, a group that meets on Tuesdays, a therapist, a stranger on a helpline at two in the morning. Any of them counts.
The Young Women's Alliance is one community among many in Austin, and our doors are open. The organizations below are others. We gathered them in one place because knowing where to look is often the hardest part.
YWA is a membership and philanthropic organization. We are not a counseling, medical, or crisis service, and nothing on this page is medical, mental health, or legal advice. The organizations listed are independent of YWA. We do not operate them, and listing them is not a guarantee of the services they provide. Details were accurate when we checked them on the date below.
Austin and national lines, sorted by what is happening right now.
What to say instead
The gap is not how much you care. It is wording.
Watching someone we love hurt is uncomfortable, and discomfort makes us want to fix it. So we reach for advice, for silver linings, for reassurance. The intention is care. The effect is usually that they stop talking.
Specific beats warm.
Every swap below does one of three things: it names a time, it offers a concrete action, or it sits with the pain instead of trying to repair it.
Instead ofCall if you need anything.
TryI am going to text you Friday.
Instead ofI am here if you need me.
TryI am free Thursday night. Can I bring dinner?
Instead ofEverything happens for a reason.
TryI am so sorry this happened.
Instead ofLet me know.
TryI am going to check in with you next week.
Instead ofAt least it was not worse.
TryThat sounds really hard. I believe you.
Instead ofJust leave. / Stay positive. / Time heals.
TryThank you for trusting me. You do not have to go through this alone.
When you are stuck, change the question
Not what should I say. Ask what does this person need from me right now, and what would make them feel safe. Four answers that almost always land:
- I believe you.
- Thank you for trusting me.
- I am glad you told me.
- You do not have to go through this alone.
Three questions
Worth answering while it is fresh. Then copy them somewhere you will see them again.
Copies to your clipboard so you can paste it into Notes, a reminder, or a text to yourself.
Keep this handy
- iPhone: tap Share, then Add to Home Screen.
- Android: tap the menu, then Add to Home screen.
- Either: a screenshot works too. So does sending this link to one person who needs it.
Magdalene House of Austin
A survivor-led therapeutic community for women who have experienced sex trafficking, and the only long-term program of its kind in Central Texas. Their two-year residential program provides housing, healthcare, counseling, and career development at no cost.
Young Women's Alliance
A membership and philanthropic community of women in Austin who support each other and the causes that shape the city. We built this page because knowing where to look is often the hardest part.